Dropping My Baggage

If you diet in 2011, you'll be dieting in 2012. If you lifestyle change in 2011, you'll have a new lifestyle in 2012.

Yea..thanks...

Sooo...I went to the Dr. 30 days ago.  The change in the way I feel is AMAZING!  I am truly happy again.  I feel great. I have energy.  I am patient and kind.  I can walk up the stairs.  I have not lost much weight, and I still binge like a starving man at a buffet, but my body has the sense to make me feel bad when I do. I think I might just be ready to do this thing for reals....maybe....
Most importantly...I feel again.  Really feel.  I feel flirty and sexual and all kinds of things I have not felt in more than 15 years. I feel like a woman and a girl and most importantly a PERSON!!!!!
Watch out ya'll...I am back!

Blood pressure meds, thyroid meds and...insulin...
I gotta change....

I need to forgive myself for my response to what happened to me. 
I was just a little girl, but I did some things I am so ashamed of I cannot speak of them or even ask forgiveness for them. I don't know why I did those things.  Perhaps I wanted someone else to feel the shame as well..  Maybe it was revenge-I still don't know.

I have to forgive myself, hope others forgive me and pray God forgives me too.

I am going to train to run (OK walk) in a 5+3 K run (OK walk) in Tampa in February.  I will keep you posted....TEE HEE!!!

I love that I am happy.  I really am.  
Now I know you are thinking,  "Really?  Then why do you hide your emotions with food?" That is for a therapist in my future to figure out, but I really wake up every morning glad to see the day and all the people in it.
And that my friend, is enough.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
I hate that I don't believe in myself enough to do something with my weight.  I hate that something catastrophic will have to happen to make me sit up and deal with this (or that my family will have to lay me down in a box and they will be left to deal with it).

I have writing about this elsewhere, but I decided I need to do it here focused just on my body issue struggles.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I got this here   He got it here (I think)

That sound you hear, that's the sound of someone realising that sometimes, it's easier to change the world than it is your own life.
www.iwrotethisforyou.me/

Ok, so I have 1 year, 4 months, and 26 days or 514 days until my 50th birthday. 
I want to lose 100 pounds, so that's 1 pound every 5 days, right?  I think I can do that...can't I???  It seems so easy to put it that way. 

So I made my appointment to go to the Dr. for my health care plan's required tests and crap.  So I guess the line has been dawn in the sand-oh that and I hurt my elbow and the Dr.. won't give me anti-inflammatory meds because my blood pressure is so high  might have a stroke...yeah....

So the other day I was just hitting "next blog" on Blogger and the first 9-yes NINE- blogs were all about running. My FB status:

So I am wasting time doing laundry and just hitting random blogs on Blogger...first 9..all RUNNING BLOGS. OK God, I hear ya, but can I WALK first please? My knees would be ever so grateful.

Really?????????

BHJ:
I completely agree with you...but here is my take.
Addiction is addiction. And yes, mine can be tamed by less food and more exercise, it is no less the addiction than yours. Self loathing, self-destructive-ring any bells at all? I have a list of addictions in my family a mile long-the only difference, I don't like alcohol and have never wanted to smoke a crack pipe. I medicate with food-I know it and I know I should do something about it. But just like it has taken family members jail, rehab and losing everything to figure out what to do with alcohol, crack, cocaine and heroin, I am still stumbling down my road to rock bottom. Maybe it will be a heart attack, maybe being unable to climb stairs anymore, maybe a well written word on a total stranger's blog ..I am not sure. But I sure as hell ain't self-accepting my friend...any more than you are.

"If you’re overweight, and especially if you’re obese, I’ve got news for you. The wisdom of the serenity prayer in your case doesn’t point to acceptance. It screams for courage. The courage to change the things you can. If you’re a big huge fat person, looking in the mirror, struggling to inhabit a serene mind to accept yourself, you’re doing it wrong. You’re using more energy trying to dupe yourself into accepting yourself (because you know you don’t) than it would take to run a couple miles. You should be stoking the courage to change the things you can. Burn your book of self affirmations and go burn some fucking calories."
I have been thinking about OA off and on for a year now-and every day for the last week.  Sometimes all your worlds, including the Internet, point you in a direction you know you need to go, but you cannot seem to take that first step.  So I keep seeking affirmation, driving by its house , reading its blog, writing it comments on Facebook, following it on Twitter...but then panicking when it actually calls and I don't pick up the phone or listen to the voice-mail...ok, that was weird even for me!  But you know what I mean.  I can't sit here anymore, but where is my rock bottom?  

Why did the words "pre Diabetic" on a blood screen make me crave sugar?  Just wondering...

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

- Read by Nelson Mandela, written by Marianne Williamson

Is it wrong that I want to still have a nasty stomach virus because I cannot stand the taste or thought of food right now? or for the past 3 days? I feel less bloated, less heavy-lighter. It only took 3 days of vomiting and other nasty stuff...I almost understand bulimia...almost...