Incubus Drive
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
...
I have been fat my entire life~except for a brief time in high school/college, when I managed to grab ex. He gave me fifteen years and two kids before leaving to grab a younger, blond, slightly thinner, more bitchy version of me :) But I am not bitter!
During this time, I have tried all kinds of stuff. My fav is Phen Fen. It was the first time in as long as I can remember that food was a non-issue in my life~it just didn't matter if I ate or not. I was so free. I know it killed a few people, but hey...at least it would have been a regular person casket~THAT WAS WRONG AND I AM SORRY!
I can't really say I tried it all. I haven't. The thing is, I know what I need to do. Eat better and exercise. DUH! But that sucks and we all know it. That makes it seem like overeating and watching TV is the cause and not just a symptom. And fat is really just a symptom. A symptom of abuse or depression or boredom or fear or low self esteem or whatever. Fat doesn't cause those things. Those things cause the fat. So shall I address the cause or the symptom. Can you do one without the other? I don't think so. What shall I do???
I have decided to do Weight Watchers Online and blog.
Why Weight Watchers? I have an acquaintance who is world renowned personal trainer. I overheard him say the most effective weight lose tool is journaling. I agree. If you honestly write it all down, it is appalling how much a person can eat and be in denial about it. The shock value alone should make you change your ways. It works for me when I follow the program.
Why online? I can't stand the perky ass people at those meetings~ex fat chicks in flowery polyester with wide stretch belts to show off their new waist~shoot me now. Everyone sits there shaking their heads in agreement like the Kool-Aid drinkers they are and paying for the pleasure of buying overpriced foods and having the weigh-in people silently judge you~don't believe for one second they don't. They do and if they say otherwise~THEY ARE LYING!
Why blog?
In addition to food logs, I will journal my emotions and feelings and ragings and just general all around bitichiness. Cause God knows I will be a bitch. I am not ready for a professional to help me, so I will speak to the Internets and hope someone stumbles across me and we help each other. If not, I will just go it alone.
This is day 1. My brother(age 42) is having a hole drilled in his chest to drain fluid off his enlarged heart tomorrow. He is 100 + pounds overweight, stressed, smokes...Please God, let him live to see tomorrow. You know how you have to hit rock bottom...well, here it is. I have to lose the same 100+. I don't smoke, I don't have NEARLY the stress, but I have different types of baggage I have to let go of in order to make sure someone is not writing the hole-drilled sentence about me. Lets just say I am standing in the line...I am holding the bags, but they are getting heavy and I am really ready to put them down.